A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he is waiting for it he spots a pirate sitting in the corner of the bar. The pirate has two wooden arms and two wooden legs. Naturally curious, the man gets his drink, walks over to the pirate and asks, "Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind but I couldn't help noticing that you have two wooden arms and two wooden legs. You must have been involved in some fierce sea battles?"

The pirate looked up, paused and said, "Arrrr no... me father was a tree!"

So this pirate walks into a bar and sits next to a drunken wench.

The wench looks him over and says, "Nice pirate outfit. Where'd you get your earrings?"

The pirate says, "Arr, I bought one from the dollar store on the other side of town and I got the other from the dollar store across the street."

So the wench exclaims, "Wow! Not bad for a buck-an-ear!"

There once was an old pirate captain, and this captain had a son who had no ears. One day the pirate captain picked up some new crew members. As the new recruits got on board the captain told them about his son, and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears. He said that if they offended his son by saying any thing about his ears they would have to walk the plank! The new pirates were naturally nervous about meeting this boy.

Well, after a while some of the pirates met the boy. The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn't handle it and kept staring. The boy yelled "What are you looking at!?" Hurried to think of an excuse, the pirate said "I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand, or you will have to wear a hook like me." "Thank you for the advice", said the boy.

Soon a second pirate encoutered the boy. When he stared at the boy the boy said "What are you looking at!?" "I was just admiring your leg," said the pirate. "You take care of your leg, or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!" "Thank you for the advice," said the boy.

Later a third pirate encountered the boy and stared. When the boy said "What are you looking at!?" the pirate said "I was just admiring your eyes. You take care of your eyes or you will have to wear glasses like me... and you can't wear glasses, because you don't have any ears to hold them up!"

First sailor: I know a pirate with a wooden leg named Smith!

Second sailor: What's the name of his other leg?

There once was a pirate captain, he lorded over the seas. There were none as brave as this pirate captain. One day as the sun was just peeping over the horizon, a crew member awoke to see that there was a ship heading toward their own precious vessel- their own precious vessel that was the home to countless priceless genuine artifacts.

As soon as he spied this unfriendly colony sailing toward his own precious ship, the crewman ran {as fast as he could with only one leg} to his beloved captains quarters crieing out cries of "Captain! captain! Oh one who lords so lordly over the seas, there is a ship nearing these waters! I dont think it wise to remain in slumber whilst such a danger is advancing upon us!"

The captain, tired from a long night partying the previous evening, merely waved his hand at the dedicated crewman and replied "See, thats why I am the captain"